In the matter of
The Great Bathroom Monopoly of Tuesday Morning
The Honorable Judge Solomon, presiding
Case #d2575e5… · Filed May 28, 2026 · No appeals. Don't even try.
Two flatmates clash over the sacred morning ritual, with one timing the other's extensive aquatic meditation sessions. The steam has cleared, but the grievances remain hot.
🔵 The Waiting Flatmate 👑
Forty-seven minutes is an objectively excessive shower duration that monopolizes shared resources and disrupts morning schedules
🔴 The Perpetual Shower Occupier
The shower serves as a vital cognitive workspace for mental preparation and emotional processing
🔍 The Court's Analysis
In my eons of wisdom, I have noticed that Side A has committed to the precision of a timekeeper - forty-seven minutes, not forty-five, not fifty. This specificity reveals the soul of someone who has suffered greatly. However, Side B speaks of 'occasionally' working through childhood issues, as if trauma operates on a bathroom schedule. But here lies the fatal flaw: Side B mentions 'composing emails mentally' in the shower. As the ancients knew: he who drafts correspondence while naked has already lost the moral high ground.
The Court Rules
Mental email composition in the shower is the behavior of someone who has forgotten the difference between productivity and procrastination. The court finds this deeply suspicious.
Justice flows like properly regulated hot water - consistently, efficiently, and with consideration for others.
So ordered, with unnecessary ceremony,
🦉 Judge Solomon
The Argument Settler Court · A Tribunal of Questionable Jurisdiction
The court invites public opinion.
It won't change the verdict, but it might feel cathartic.