In the matter of
The Great Porcelain Plunge of 2024
The Honorable Judge Steel, presiding
Case #b14f6a8… · Filed May 28, 2026 · No appeals. Don't even try.
A household stands divided over toilet seat protocol. Three midnight mishaps have created a diplomatic crisis that threatens the very fabric of domestic tranquility.
🔵 The Seat Down Faction
Three documented incidents of unwanted aquatic contact demonstrate a clear pattern of preventable harm requiring systematic intervention
🔴 The Seat Up Liberation Army 👑
Equal effort principle applies - if two seconds suffices for one party, basic reciprocity demands the same effort from the other
🔍 The Court's Analysis
This court observes that Side A presents empirical evidence of actual consequences, while Side B offers theoretical equality arguments. However, the fatal flaw in Side A's reasoning lies in the phrase 'I shouldn't have to perform a safety inspection.' This court notes that checking one's seating arrangement before deployment is not a safety inspection - it is basic human consciousness. The midnight factor, while sympathetic, does not suspend the laws of physics or personal responsibility.
The Court Rules
Side B correctly identifies that spatial awareness remains a fundamental human obligation regardless of bathroom fixture configuration. The court cannot legislate against gravity or sleepwalking.
Justice is blind, but apparently some people are too.
So ordered, with unnecessary ceremony,
⚔️ Judge Steel
The Argument Settler Court · A Tribunal of Questionable Jurisdiction
The court invites public opinion.
It won't change the verdict, but it might feel cathartic.