In the matter of
The Great Microwave Hostage Crisis of 12:23
The Honorable Judge Solomon, presiding
Case #554879b… · Filed May 28, 2026 · No appeals. Don't even try.
A lunch sits abandoned in the communal microwave for 17 minutes while its owner claims distraction. Meanwhile, another employee slowly starves, watching their own meal grow cold with each passing second.
Prevailing
The Microwave Queue 👑
17 minutes of microwave occupation without use constitutes workplace terrorism
Dissenting
The Phantom Lunch Heatee
No formal policy exists governing microwave dwell time limits
🔍 The Court's Analysis
As I once told Caesar when he left his grapes unattended at the Senate buffet: possession without presence is tyranny. Side B's policy defense crumbles—since when do we need written laws against leaving dead fish in elevators? The ancients knew: he who heats and flees makes enemies of colleagues with cheese.
The Court Rules
Seventeen minutes exceeds all reasonable bounds of microwave courtesy. Urgent emails don't pause the laws of common decency.
"Justice delayed is lunch denied—and cold sandwiches are the devil's work."
So ordered, with unnecessary ceremony,
🦉 Judge Solomon
The Argument Settler Court · A Tribunal of Questionable Jurisdiction
The court invites public opinion.
It won't change the verdict, but it might feel cathartic.