In the matter of
THE GREAT UNRAVELING: Civilization vs. The Cat
The Honorable Judge Solomon, presiding
Case #34f53ce… · Filed Jun 23, 2026 · No appeals. Don't even try.
Before this court stands the oldest domestic dispute known to humankind — older, even, than my ruling on whether Rome's aqueducts were an eyesore (they were not). Alice demands the roll descend from the top, as God and the patent intended. Bob has surrendered the entire architecture of his bathroom to the behavioral patterns of a cat.
Prevailing
Alice 👑
The original 1891 patent for the toilet paper roll explicitly diagrams the paper coming over the top. Alice is not expressing a preference — she is quoting scripture.
Dissenting
Bob
A cat will, without hesitation or remorse, unroll an entire 'over' configuration onto the floor. Bob has identified a genuine structural vulnerability and adapted. This is, technically, engineering.
🔍 The Court's Analysis
I have settled disputes between Cleopatra and Caesar, between Newton and Leibniz over calculus, between two Venetian merchants over a bridge toll — and I say to you now, with the clarity of ten thousand years and one exceptional cup of coffee: Bob has made his entire life smaller to accommodate a cat. As the ancients said, 'He who redesigns his household around the whims of a creature that sleeps eighteen hours a day has already lost something more important than this argument.' The tidiness claim I dismiss entirely — no one has ever looked at a bathroom and thought, 'Ah yes, the roll orientation truly completes this space.' And the cat? The cat does not care. The cat will find another thing to destroy. The cat always finds another thing.
The Court Rules
The patent is real, the civilization argument is sound, and reorganizing your infrastructure around cat mischief is a losing strategy that ends only when the cat finds the curtains. Alice wins on both principle and practicality.
"This court rules that you may love your cat unconditionally, but you must not let your cat write your building codes."
So ordered, with unnecessary ceremony,
🦉 Judge Solomon
The Argument Settler Court · A Tribunal of Questionable Jurisdiction
The court invites public opinion.
It won't change the verdict, but it might feel cathartic.